It’s not very good, but I just felt like posting something different…the following is true and I put it in a poem while I was in college.
V. The police called to tell me my car window was reported â€œfound shattered.â€ I slip on my shoes and white T-shirt and break out of the front door, heavily squinting in the morning sun. I slowly twist my head through where-the-window-should-be to find glass seeding the front seat. I talk to the police officer; taken:
1 rental tape,
26 music discs.
The letter that came this morning:
â€œYour recent letter came. I have read it and reread it many times. You know you can count on us for prayers for your safety. Itâ€™s a problem I have understanding how God answers in so many unusual ways.
Your mother needs you so terribly much. Through her tears is sobbed, â€˜I wish he could spend some time with Andrew this summer.â€™ I really donâ€™t know what else to say.
Congratulations on your graduation.
I remember this event well, I was in the last days of college, desperate about what I was going to do with my life. The policemen knocked at my door and woke me up in the early morning telling me that my car had been broken into. It was a smash-and-grab, and it was the first time I had ever been deliberately robbed in such a way. I really felt violated, which was surprising to me.
I had also sent out a bunch of letters for support for China, which is what my grandmother responded to in a letter I received the same morning.
The thing that I thought was worth putting in a poem when I was in college was the specific feeling I recieved of being alone in this place, at the cusp of graduating from college which was I was promised would be a pivotal moment in my life. However, I mark this time as one of the most confusing lost times I have ever been in. My relationship with Katie, whom I had just started dating a few months prior, was strained because neither of knew what we were going to do post-graduation. I hoped I was going to China, a place I loved, to people I cared about.
Then, this letter from my grandmother, that wasn’t really about me whatsoever. I felt like a hollow husk when I got this, punctuated by the “congratulations on your graduation.” I felt like the graduation card was just a vehicle for familial guilt to be conveyed to me…and in that specific time, with all the pressures and violation of the morning, I think I finally left my family.
And I felt left by them.
Anyway, I stumbled across this the other day and it set me back in this specific moment strongly. I thought I’d share.
To my Hollow Men,