The Hollow Men

I mentioned in the Music Thursday post that I was sorry for my lack of involvement over the last week.  This blog has been a great outlet for me, and I hope to come back in full force soon.  I know there will be ebbs and flows…last week was a tough one for many of the HM.  J.E. and Shotts, I think, had mentioned a tough week also.  This last week was particularly hard for Steph and I, and I’m glad to be able to have a group of friends I can share this with. 

It started out hard, but I thought it’d get smoother instead of more difficult.  I had some deadlines in the beginning of the week that caused a lot of stress.  I still was feeling like I was coming out of my post-vacation pining (which makes it really hard to sit in front of a computer screen).  I had to hit my workload hard, and started up BirdBox activities bright and early Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and worked until 9:30 or so each of those days.  It really takes it out of me to filter my world through an LCD monitor most of my waking hours.  Steph knows I’m not much to talk to after days like that.

Let me preface this next bit with something Steph and I found out about a month ago: we were pregnant.  Steph and I were excited, to say the least.  We were also restrained because we know sometimes things can go wrong, especially early on.  Well, Steph had been feeling badly the last couple of days, so we scheduled an appointment with her OB/GYN.  They were really great and got us scheduled us immediately.

At our appointment, one of the nurses took us into a sonogram room.  She later told us she expected everything was going to be fine; that what we were describing was pretty typical.  However, when we looked at the sonogram, she realized the baby had no heartbeat.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve heard. 

We were in great hands at the clinic Steph goes to.  The nurse was awesome, and talked to us about how she had gone through two miscarriages in the last year.  She didn’t give pat answers, celebrated that we had gotten pregnant in the first place (they see many who don’t even get that far).  She told us we needed to grieve…which is advice that needs to be given more often.  Then there was a stream of nurses who came in and talked to Steph about how they had been in our spot before.  It was great to not have people handle it with antiseptic distance, but help us with grace and dignity.

So Thursday morning at 5:30 we went in and had surgery for Steph to avoid complications.  

It’s an experience that seems easier and harder than I thought.  Steph’s recovering on the couch right now as I type.  She feels tons better, and I am doing all I can to help her be comfortable in her recovery. 

However, I had someone ask me how I am doing…and I can’t answer that yet.  I’ve had the responsibility of keeping deadlines met (I got some grace from my clients, too) and keeping Steph upbeat.  However, I find myself strangely emotional at times.  I cried when the person above asked me how I was doing…

…but mostly I find myself being grumpy.  It comes through even when I am trying to be Steph’s cheerleader and frustrates me.  I’m trying to be the strong one, but I think soon I’ll need to let that mask slip off for a while.  In fact, I think these words — knowing that they will be completed in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Kansas, and Texas — start to heal.

Thanks, HM.

Posted on September 23rd, 2006 by Tobias
Filed under: Hollow Men, Philosophical, Time